So a while back a friend of mine who I haven’t seen in a while asked if I wanted to attend an Asian Padlock event with her. At first I wasn’t sure how I felt about attending an event which sounded like some sort of Asian slave audition extravaganza. However it turned out it was a sort of dating meet up thingy that included the word “Valentine’s” even though it took place on the 9th of Feb and not 14th. Buzzing on the fact that this event would take place during my week off work and 2 days after my Birthday I agreed…

Now the premise of the event for those who aren’t sure, is that the gentlemen are given keys and the ladies have padlocks. Basically guys are encouraged to talk to girls and try to unlock them. If you’re successful, both the guy and girl are given a raffle ticket for a prize draw that takes place after the event.

Now I liked that idea it encouraged people to talk with the promise of prizes. Most of my friends that came along asked me what they win for unlocking a girl’s padlock, I replied “LOVE” with about as much enthusiasm as a child who just picked up a present that’s soft and feels like a FUCKING JUMPER.

Now I had a few observations about this event. The whole thing felt like one massive sexual innuendo. Guy’s are encouraged to put their KEY into a girls PADLOCK, wiggle it around a bit and you’re either going to end up with a satisfying “release” or a disappointing “Oh well you tried”. Oh and where was this event taking place?


That’s right, the biggest penis in the country (Apart from some errr ummm I dunno politician that you all hate or something innit). The whole thing just reeked of DIRTY FILTHY sexual undertones!

The evening itself was rather OK.  I went with friends so we did the obvious thing which was to group together and observe, eventually we got bored with each other’s crap and broke into smaller grounds to “mingle”. I, suffering from the previous night’s drunken escapades was in no mood to attempt to start a conversation with someone. Why?

The venue was pretty small for what was a “Sold Out” event of “450” people. I’m fairly sure I must have lost my virginity during the numerous attempts to navigate through the crowds of people, it really was jam packed. My friend decided to actually borrow a line from “How I Met Your Mother” to get me to talk to some girls. When that got boring he tried another approach. “Excuse me, what do you think of my mate’s beard?”. Yep, that was a sentence that was actually uttered in front of real life people. Oh the general consensus was that my beard was nice, in case you wondered.
The music was pretty loud too, meaning you had to shout at anyone to communicate with them which I hate doing because I’m scared of spitting all over the girl’s face whilst trying to communicate, it’s literally the only time when it’s not cool to make a girl wet.

Oh and the drinks! Good lord, I couldn’t even get merry, which would have improved my social skills by about 10 or something, due to the price of the drinks! I’m pretty sure a girl asked me to get her a drink (I couldn’t hear bugger all most of the time, therefore I had to wing most conversations), I basically said that I’m currently on hold with my bank to see if they can give me a second mortgage to fund such a request.

To be fair to the organisers at the oh so cleverly named…. the event was clearly successful, they did a good job decorating the venue with heart candies and lollies and random glittery hearts that I obviously stuck to my face:


I doubt I’ll be attending another one though, I’ll just stick to trying to impress girls via this blog….because…that’s worked so well for me so far….yeah.

I’ll leave you with two images that further prove how this event was one “big” sexual innuendo, the first picture is of a key that the guy’s had to use, the 2nd picture….well you’ll understand.




2 responses »

  1. Taz says:

    Dear me. I shall make it my mission to find you a wife. Evolution and how we adapt means those statistics may leave you as a lucky anomaly 🙂

  2. kanjit says:

    sounds like a good time. I need someone to key up my padlock…if you catch my drift

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