I get pretty awesome feedback about my blog from my friends and people of the Internets and over time it’s slowly aroused my ego like an old person getting an erection during a marathon 4 hour lap dance. I do enjoy writing this blog but sometimes it would be nice to take a break and well, let someone else take over for once. And that’s exactly what’s going to happen in this post.
You see my ego is so inflated that I feel that this blog can actually warrant a guest writer and so that’s what I’ve done. I’ve chosen someone whose work I’d love to read more of, however they don’t have their own blog so I asked them to write on mine! Unfortunately they wished to remain anonymous for certain reasons….well read on. As I can’t refer you to them to heap the amazing amount of praise they deserve for this hilarious post, you’ll just have let them know via the comments section! DO IT!
Without further ado….
At one point 99.9% of the population on this planet in their life have sucked
on their mum’s tits’
It could be worse…I mean this could be your mum:
Now I have your attention I want to discuss the interesting day I had today.
So life seems more depressing then getting finger banged by a pissed off
Edward scissor hands. I really wanted a promotion. I mean I’ve worked really
hard and met all my deadlines, my works been commended by everyone, I
don’t create hour long meetings in my diary for my elongated shit breaks.
However if you want to get ahead in business, you need to give the director
head. The women who got the promotion has been fucked in the face more
times than Pete Doherty has been in jail or at least the stretch marks around
her mouth suggest so. But I’m not one to hate, the dirtier mouth won
So I go outside to get some fresh air because I’m furious causing my eyes to
turn redder then a used tampon and full of hate. Then this guy catches my
eye. I’m staring at him because I’ve never been so mesmerised in my life. I
don’t know if I should take a photo and Instagram it or just pick him up and
toss him. I can feel my anger disappearing nowhere to be found (a bit like Shannon Mattews). See this midget has reminded me that life is short and I shouldn’t waste time.
So I left work early and was pumped to go to Trafalgar square and run after
pigeons. However I’m reminded of social convention so I had to do the
sensible thing, which meant going to the pub to get wasted (don’t judge me
its next to the building).
So I sit down and order a round of tequilas for myself, minding my own
business when a guy (Lets call him Mr X) comes and sits next to me and offers
to buy me a drink. I politely decline and carry on reading my paper.
Mr X: “Two White Russians please…the drink not the people.”
Me: “That’s my line, I always say that.”
Mr X: “I started drinking them since I started following Dudeism.”
(In my eyes anyone who makes references from The Big Lebowski within a
minute of talking to them deserves my attention.)
Mr X: “So what brings you here?”
Me: “No promotion, you?”
Mr X: “Waiting for the wife?”
Me: “Oh nice how long you been married?”
Mr X: “15 long miserable years.”
Me: “Oh that explains why you look like someone has taken a massive dump
on your face…..how does it feel to have sex once a week? Mrs.Palm and her 5
daughters must be working overtime.”
Mr X: “Yes, I am a massive fan of Lisa Ann.”
Me: “So why are you guys not fucking anymore?”
Mr X: “She’s cheating on me.”
Me: “How do you know?”
Mr X: “Because no matter how many chewing gums/polo’s she consumes she
always has dick breathe.”
Me: “I bet you found a pube in her teeth.”
Mr X: “Jokes aside, I love her.”
Me: “Why? clearly she thinks with her vagina, you my friend need to treat
her how she treats you.”
Mr X: “To be fair I haven’t been 100% faithful.”
Me: “On a scale of one to Tiger Woods how dishonest have you been?”
Mr X: “I would say 5.”
Me: “Damn!!!….were any of the girls hot?”
Mr X: “Why does that matter?”
Me: “Because if you’re going to do something wrong, you must do it right.
There’s nothing more horrible then getting cheated on with someone who is
Mr X: “Well my wife is the most beautiful women in the world, but I fucked
two 5’s on the same night so that must count for something.”
“YOU FUCKING MOTHERLESS CUNT”
BHHAMMM, there’s water everywhere and its wetter than a teenage girl at a
one direction concert.
We turn around and stretch mark face is standing there with an empty vase in
her hand and “tsunami tides in her eyes”. I just wanted to go up to her and
lick her tears because I’ve never tasted revenge and I was in the mood for
Shout out to Sam for giving me the opportunity to contribute to his awesome
blog and anyone who took out time to read it.