So it’s that time of year again when every shopper turns into a cunt. THAT advert bombards our screens. People put their minds and wallets to maximum stress to get the perfect gifts for people, TV Channels will show all of the mentioned, The Santa Clause, Nightmare Before Christmas, one if not all Wallace and Gromit eps etc.

Now as I’ve grown older, the magic of this time of year has diminished to the point where I look forward to it as I get an extra day off work. As such the 25th of December is now known as Day Off Day, and I fucking love it. It’s the same as every other day off, but this time, I get presents and a big arse dinner. I remember when I was younger, the excitement of waking up on that day would be madness, it would probably be the only non work day of the year that I’d be up as early as possible, so that I could open my presents.

However as time went on, seeing those random gifts wrapped up didn’t make me spaz out as much as I used to. Here’s a break down of how presents affected me during the course of my life.

0-2 years old: I didn’t know wtf was going on, I got to shit myself and have someone clean me up whenever I wanted, that was bliss. Anything else was a bonus.
3-7 years old: Give me TOYS!!!!!!!! What? Clothes? Fine whatever
8-14 years old: WTF is with the clothes? A jumper? WTF do I need a jumper for? Can’t fucking play with a jumper for fuck sake!
15-18 years old: Man that book shaped present better be some sort of DVD Box set or super limited edition (but never is) computer game.
19-24 years old: Urgh stop waking me up at 9am to open the damn presents, they’ll be there when I wake up at 12pm so I’ll open them then
24-onwards: Ummmm so these cards and socks you got me, can they be used to pay off my mortgage? What’s that? They can’t? Oh I see. Cos I thought the point of presents was that THEY WERE MEANT TO BE FOOKING USEFUL!”
Onwards-just before you die: FFS SOMEONE KILL ME!

Of course I’m grateful for all the gifts, they’re free and I’m brown so yeah.

After all the madness of this day, the only major event to look forward to is New Year’s Eve/Day. Two things happen around New Years, a lot of people will flip a coin to decide weather they want to keep the baby that they conceived during New Years Eve/Day and a lot of people will say/post there fucking annoying, generic, predictable never gonna happen, resolutions for the new year.

If you don’t know what I’m taking about here’s a few examples:

“I ain’t letting anyone take the piss any more, people better watch out from next year”
What this actually means is “Umm did you want 2 sugars with your tea and doughnut?”

“From now on, I’m gonna make things happen. This year will be all about me”
What this actually means is “Hmmm I wonder what’s on TV at 1pm in the fucking afternoon?”

“Watch out people, this year I’m gonna be making waves! WATCH!”
What this actually means is “hello? ex-excuse me, can anyone hear me? he-hello”

Here’s some advise people. If you feel as though your life is shit or you need to change yourself, don’t fucking wait till New Year, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT NOW YOU FUCK WIT! If you’re strong enough you’ll do it, if not, you’ll ignore my advise and end up like one of the above examples. Either way, part of you dies a little, and the world keeps on spinning.

Oddly this probably won’t be the last blog post I do, of the year. I’ll probably do some sort of soppy “Thank You” post to my readers, all 3 of you. So yeah, um stay tuned!

Anyway! Next Year! I’m aiming for the big time! Doing the opposite of what I do when I write my posts, sit down. Then who knows, maybe you’ll see my brown face on the telly….2010 Is GONNA BE MINE….yeah!

BTW If you can’t see the comedy in that, re-read the post and try again, if you still can’t figure it out, please direct all questions to this:


4 responses »

  1. LittleMissTake says:

    Umm. So what exactly DID you get this xmas?

  2. LittleMissTake says:

    Oh and in case I don’t read you before NY again… Merry Crisis and a Happy New Fear!

  3. […] THAT’S RIGHT! Just like in those long running sitcoms who run out of ideals and resort to clip episodes it’s…….. a lazy gift of a link to a 3 year old Blog Post I did about Christmas. ENJOY! […]

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