It’s that time of year again, when people go crazy and kids spaz out at the TV advert for the latest super mega fun-fucking-tastic game/toy.
That’s right It’s Jesusmas err I mean Christmas.

See children are generally stupid, and if  their parents are smart and not idiotic old people, they’d be able to get through Christmas without forking out shit loads of their hard earned cash on the latest toys and thingy whatsis.
Younger child and a few, less mentally developed kids believe that Santa is real. Parents generally do the whole “Maybe Santa will get it for you” bullshit, meaning that the parents now have the option to get it for the child or not. If not, then fuck it, blame Santa, that jolly fatty, that chills (pun INTENDED) all year around feeling his fat arse grow as he becomes one with the sofa. The kid will end up disappointed but fuck it, they’ll blame Santa the non-existent marketing phenom.

Now if your child is old or smarter, the Santa shit just won’t fly. So you gotta tell them like it is, “I ain’t got no money for your damn PS3, so either get a job and buy it yourself or make do with this vintage PS1 that I found in some alley”. If the child is lucky than maybe their parent(s) live off welfare, in which case, fuck you and enjoy your fucking presents seeing as my tax money paid for them!
Note: I don’t hate all people on Welfare some people just can’t help being utter lazy fuckwits and enjoy getting free money for doing absolutely sweet FUCK ALL!

What always amazes me about Christmas though is the amount of people the decide to wait till the absolute last fucking minute to do all their shopping. I have to work during Christmas Eve and I can pretty much be sure we won’t be closing on time because we’ll have a few customers who decided that shopping on Christmas Eve will be the best time to do so, they’ll probably come 15 minutes before closing too. Then spend 30 mins wondering what the fuck to actually get. Of course some people may be delaying the buying of presents till boxing day cos of all the damn sales, which is pretty smart. I mean why the fuck go mental getting presents in time for Christmas when instead if you wait ONE EXTRA FUCKING DAY, you’ll probably get most of the stuff you were gonna get, cheaper? See! Not just an awesome blog but one that can help you save pennies! I should have my own fucking show, dishing out financial advise man!

As crazy as working during Christmas is, it can be equally crazy after, especially after everyone has unwrapped their gifts and had time to go batshit crazy over them. The worst times is when someone comes back with a faulty product, it’s bad for 2 reasons, 1. The person got a faulty gift during Christmas which is a bummer and 2. People think that because of this, they have the right to treat the seller as fucking Nazi’s that paid a visit to their house during Christmas and shat all over the family.
I’ve heard stuff like “He was so gutted cos you gave us a faulty product”. Now this line always annoys the shit out of me. They say it like I intentionally gave them a faulty product. Yeah that’s right, in my master scheme to ruin your Christmas I gave you a faulty product that I made faulty myself, but oh no! In my haste to ruin your Christmas I didn’t think of the fact that you’ll just COME BACK AND COMPLAIN ABOUT IT!
It’s like when a customer buys a really cheap product, they sometimes ask me “Is it ok? Does it work?” WTF? Why the fuck would we sell something that we KNOW is faulty, of course it’s fucking ok! I often tell customers that our products can be exchanged like for like or refunded if they are faulty within 28 days, to which I get “Why? Is there something wrong with it?”. Sometimes, I wonder if I should just refuse to sell them the product as I deem their intelligence to be unworthy of operating it.

I would be awesome if all the retailers in the UK just went on strike for the full month of December. It’ll piss off a lot of people but the chaos would be fun…..till I realise that I need something of course.
Right on a totally unrelated subject, skinny people that can eat and not get fat, stop that shit! It annoys us fatties!

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One response »

  1. Mani Link says:

    Great post once again! ^^ Particularly the bit about the customer thinking you deliberately sold them a faulty product. Consumers are as thick as two planks – or maybe whenever they walk in to a shop the bright lights dazzle and confuse them leaving them with about 10 per cent of their brain power? One thing I have learnt working in retail is people are tight – like super tight – like complaining they were charged 4p extra for Bananas….It’s 4 fucking p!…Then they proceed to buy a £5 scratch card….And lose. ¬_¬

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