Being a young man (Yeah shut up), I’m expected to be out and about all the time, in the clubs of Central London. NO! I’m not a big fan of clubbing, and to be honest I’ll only go if it’s for a mate’s Birthday or something.

You see I hate clubbing, because of the shittyness around it:

1. Queuing up for ages to get in
2. Paying a stupid price to get in
3. Paying stupid prices for drinks
4. Shouting at people standing next to you rather than talking
5. Air con is generally non existant

Just a few things there. However it’s the politics around it as well that makes it pointless. The whole fuckery around it when you’re out with the lads and you wanna go to a club you get bouncers telling you that you need a few girls in the group to get in. Now most guys go to a club TO GET GIRLS, if I fucking had a girl I wouldn’t be pissing about in your fucking club. I’d be at home with her playing Wii (and not that’s not some sort of innuendo…unfortunately)

“But dude why don’t you have any female friends”. Well that’s simple really….fuck off.

Bouncers are also a major issue sometimes, they’ve been bestowed with a power that seems to allow them to be super cock heads. Some can be pretty cool, I remember a time when me and my mate went to NYC and we went to a little Bar called Rudy’s, the Doorman there was pretty awesome, he talked like he was some sort of hardcore rocker, and he also likened my mate to a hybrid of Jamie Foxx and Popeye, this would of course be funnier if you knew my mate. Oh well. The point was, he was a cool guy and didn’t hassle us. I don’t have issues with all bouncers/doormen, just the ones that are prick monkeys.

So let’s say that you’re lucky enough to get into the club, you’re now met with a sea of people (depending on how good the place is) meaning it can be a bit tough getting to the bar to get a drink, when you eventually make your way through all the people and risked possible molestation, you get then treated to more abuse, wallet rape. That’s right I hope you have a good job or recently won the lottery or just mugged someone, cos you’re about to get mugged too. I recall a Disaronno + Coke costing me just under £10. That was when I decided it would be best to discontinue my need of beverages. Which would be tough seeing as it gets stupid hot in there as well. 100’s of people all dancing and rubbing up against each other or standing still and bopping your head if you’re a guy with no girl, can generate a lot of body heat. Not only did I lose a lot of money but I think I may have lost some weight, due to all the damn heat!

However it’s not all doom, I mean you got your mates with you! At least you can bust a few jokes with them and whatnot! Then again unless your mates have mastered Sign Language that’s gonna be a bit tough.
You know when you go to a club and it’s really loud and you’re chatting to someone, you say something and the other person is like “WHAT?” and you repeat yourself, and they do that “Yeah….” awkward smile thing? Where you know they still didn’t hear you, but they don’t wanna make you repeat yourself again and again. Gotta love that. I think next time, I’m gonna ask someone if they like to hump lambs, just to see if they say “Yeah…”.

I’ll leave you with something that my friend said when we entered a club recently. “You know what’s bad about having a girlfriend? You gotta be careful where you look……..”


One response »

  1. says:

    lmao i was like lmao

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