I managed to get an invite for a special “Pre Launch Event” from Nintendo. Basically it was a small little event set up for joe public to come and experience the 3DS. It was an interesting event to say the least and I left with some rather interesting opinions as well.

I arrived at the venue about 20 mins early, walked up to the lovely lady handing out wrist bands and she happily gave me one, after checking my name on a register. Good start yeah? NO! The wrist band was one of those fucking annoying shitty ones with the SUPER STICKY shit on it. “Oh but that’s good! That means the wrist band stays on properly” I hear you all say…in my head. NO! That shit is fucking awful if you have a stupidly hair wrist! “Oh but how hairy can your wrist be?”

So yeah, needless to say a bit of the sticky side of the wrist band got caught in that forest of hair that populates my damn wrist. After trying to tear away most of my hair from that fucking strap, we were told we could enter the venue. Upon doing so, we where welcomed by a lovely blonde who asked for our print out invites with the barcode. After I flashed my phone with the email on it, she said “Oh don’t worry it won’t scan just go ahead”. Awesome. Unfortunately I didn’t take a picture of her, sorry. “Oh thanks, so we get a picture of your hairy arm but no picture of a hot blonde?”. Yes.

After a while 2 women appeared from behind a black curtain to introduce us to the event. Basically they were reeling off marketing spiel about the 3DS. General stuff you could have got just from visiting the site!

Anyway after some stuff about Street Pass, we were moved to another room were we got to experience…..

So yeah after that, we were moved into another fucking room and what’s this? No 3DS’s just a blank room. So we’re waiting at black curtain and what the fuck happens? A random hot chick dressed as a shitty Lara Croft comes out to tell us that she’s Claire Redfield, accompanying lara cr- err I mean Claire, was Chris Redfield who for some reason decided to be British. They were here to inform us that apparently the T-Virus has been spread instead the venue….. although in only one little room, it seems that none of us nor Ken and Ryu were effected. So we were lead into the next room with Chris complete with Shotgun that didn’t once get used,  what we got was a poorly lit room which just happened to have a small part of a villiage in it, we saw an old lady wondering around aimlesly, a guy in a shed who couldn’t be bothered to open it properly and instead just peeped out whilst trying to grab us and finally a man with a sack on his head and none functional chainsaw.

We finally escaped and were lead into YET ANOTHER ROOM WITH NO 3DS’s! We were treated to a video of Jonathan Ross verbally jizzing over the 3DS and FINALLY we were lead into a room with a fuck load of 3DS’s playable. So I wondering in looking for something to play, and woman approached me and said “Would you like to play Dead or Alive?”, my thought was “Fuck no! Take me to Zelda or Street Fighter” however my mouth said “Yeah sure!”.

Anyway enough of the bullshit story, lets get down to my impressions:

Dead or Alive 3D: Runs smoothly, graphics are very impressive for a handheld. As for the 3D, it’s works! IT FUCKING WORKS! WITHOUT GLASSES! ALL THAT MARKETING SHIT WAS REAL! Ahem but yeah it works awesome but it’s not exactly needed.

Pilotwings Resort 3DS: Yay I’m flying around…in 3D.

Resident Evil The Mercenaries 3D: Started playing as Hunk, good stuff, impressive graphics, There seems to be a button for taunting which is fucking pointless as shit as far as I’m aware. It literally stops you in your tracks and you can’t do SHIT whilst the taunting animation is playing meaning the enemies can come up to you and rape you. I also played as Claire whose character model was sporting a pair of “Batty riders”, awesome stuff considering it’s a 3rd person shooter…..in 3D.

Unfortunately cos I spent the majority of my time playing DOA, I didn’t know there was another room to go to and we were shushed away to there. This room was to show off more of what the 3DS can do without games.

Augmented Game: Really cool, just place down a special card and something will happen. The one I had bought up random targets that I had to hit by actually moving myself round. After the targets were gone, you have to fight a little dragon boss.

Face Raiders: No it’s not a porno game, despite blatantly sounding like one, I’ll be honest, this game gave me the biggest smile…..which may be down to the name. Basically you can take a picture of someone, or yourself. Then the camera displays what’s in front of you of course but places a game on top of it, the aim of the game is to shoot these little floating faces of the pictures on the game. I decided to take a picture of myself and use it. The game even animates the faces when they get hit or get angry, it’s actually really funny. It gets odd when you have to shoot yourself in the face before your face shoots balls at you from your mouth…..ummm yeah.

I managed to get back into the main room, and tried to hunt down Zelda or Street Fighter, I stumbled upon Kid Icurus which I completely forgot about.

Kid Icurus Uprising: Wow! It looks so nice on the 3DS it makes the other games look like standard ports (Which most are). You can tell this was one of the first games in development for the 3DS. At first I thought the control scheme would be fucked, as you have to use the stylus to aim, the Slide Pad to move Pit and the L shoulder button to shoot. However it really works!

That’s pretty much all I played. I hope you weren’t expecting super detailed hands on cos fuck that! You’ll note that I haven’t really spoken too much about the 3D aspect of the 3DS. Basically from what I played, it all looks awesome, sure you can’t really look at it from different angles and on some games you need to have the handheld in front of you properly. The 3D slider plays it’s part well and the transition from 3D to 2D is smooth as super wet shit.

However I don’t feel like I was blown away by the device. Sure I didn’t play Street Fighter or Zelda which I’m more interested then any other game I played today. The bottom line verdict I got from the hands on was that, if it wasn’t for the fact that I have a fuck load of vouchers to use to get the 3DS for almost nothing, I would not be picking one up at launch.

“Shake everything, except  a controller, because now you are the controller”.

Sooooooo that means you shouldn’t be shaking anything? Wouldn’t that make the game umm not work? Silly marketing people, you dun confused yourselves in all the Kinect hype!

Why do people do this? Just hold the fucking phone to your face instead! Good lord!

“Lads, check out this vid, it’s fucking amazing it’s so fun- oh wait it’s buffering………………………………………………………………oh shit internet………………..lemme try and refresh………….ah fucking hell, fuck it I’ll post it on your Facebook”.

Right check out the advert from this site:

http://www.tellyads.com/show_movie.php?filename=TA12181

Oi hang on a fucking second! This advert is biologically incorrect! No not the fucking random germ with the Scottish accent teaching other germs about fooking bathroom cleaning products. LOOK AT THE FUCKING ARMS! HOW ARE THEY SPINNING LIKE THAT?

“So how you getting on at your new store?”
“Great, I love it”
“Any nice girlies there?”
“There are loads of nice girlies there”
“Any Indian ones?”
“Errr no”
“Oh, as long as you find a nice Indian one…”
“…”

Apart from the new store talk, this sort of talk is rather common for me. Being Indian and having parents that were brought up with a strict upbringing and me being the eldest child means that there’s a lot of emphasis on me getting hitched and shit. The only problem with that is that I don’t want to get married. See I’ve been single all my life (shock horror) and to be honest, I’m happy staying that way.

I’ve seen what being in a relationship can do to some people, and I can’t be arsed with any of it. The funny thing is that every single one of my friends who are in relationships has at one point had this convo with me:

Them: Dude why don’t you just get out there and find a girl
Me: Can’t be arsed.
Them: Don’t be gay (I assure you my friends aren’t secondary school students, they’re actually grown up).
Me: I can’t be fussed with all the hassle.
Them:….actually it can be hassle sometimes

Of course I understand that relationships aren’t just plain hassle, however the more I think about being in a relationship the more it bothers me. Having to worry about someone else, having to spend more time outside in the wild with them and not locked up in my room glued to my PC chair makes me think, “Fuck that!”.

Still, just think about the process of me having to find a girl though! It’s a cluster fuck of problems and road blocks. Let’s look at the issues shall we?

First of all, I’m a damn nerd!

(Click on the image to see a better version, damn my shitty WordPress skills)

As you can see I’m a ridiculous nerd, how exactly can I bring a girl into this sort of environment? “Yeah this is where all the magic happens………..ie when I cast spells and shit in Final Fantasy: VII…..wait come back, don’t run…ah damnit not again.”

Second reason, I’m fucking messy!

(Yeah it’s the same picture……that’s the joke….LAUGH!”)

Notice the can of Mr Sheen and Air Freshener on the right? Yeah that’s mainly for show. “So yeah this is my room ummm yeah basi- Oh shit you just threw up? Yeah sorry about that smell, I have no idea where it’s coming fr- Oh fuck you passed out..”

The 3rd and possibly most important reason however is ironically, being Indian.

Picture the scene, I’m in a bar and approach an Indian chick and we get to chatting:

Me: Hey, this place is pretty expensive right? I’m literally trying to make this one bottle last as long as possible.
Her: HAHAHAHAHA That’s super hilarious, you’re so funny.
Me: Well, I do try.
[So everything is going smooth so far, skip ahead into the evening]
Me: Oh so are you on Facebook, I’ll add you?
Her: Oh yeah, [Insert a name that doesn't belong to another Indian chick I know, cos I can't think of any right now] Patel.
Me: Oh hey Patel, that’s my surname……..as…well.
Her: Oh yeeeeah that’s ummm funny.

The End.

Seriously if I were to try to find a “Nice Indian Girl” I swear I’m gonna have to ask her for a DNA test to make sure that we’re not fucking related or something.

“So yeah if I could just get a blood sample, I’ll give you a call in about 2-3 weeks with the results”. Since when was finding a girl similar to getting a blood test for a fooking decease?

For those not in the know, Patel is like equivalent to Smith, any Patel Family Tree is gonna be a massive one:

“Hey but why don’t you just get an arranged Marriage?” is a question people ask me, the answer is that I don’t really want to be pimped out by my parents of all people to be honest.

So as you can see, remaining single is the best solution for me. Who knows, maybe I’ll meet that special someone who’ll change my mind but until [Insert hottest celebrity woman at time of reading] has a sudden fetish for hairy fat nerds who have a collection of none functional cleaning products on display in their room, I’m happy to remain single and less likely to mingle.

Now Money can make people do crazy things.

See, I purchased a house last year and like millions of others, am now the owner of mortgage. Before this time, I didn’t even think twice before going out and spending my hard earned cash on a Game or what not. Now however I’m forced to be responsible and sensible, and I bloody well hate it!

I always said that I wouldn’t allow the mortgage to change the enjoyment I got out of spending money on things I want. However, two months after launch and I still don’t own Super Mario Galaxy 2. Normally I’d of played the shit out of it (and failed to complete it) by now. Now I’m waiting for a price drop.

The funny thing now is that when I DO have money to spend I still won’t do so. Example, I wanted to replace my Xbox 360 cos my current one sounds like it’s going to fucking take off each time I play it. Even with a full months pay in my account, my common sense kicked in and I didn’t get it! WTF?

About 2 weeks ago, I received a bank statement from a bank I don’t bank with. What I saw was 2 accounts with a nice chuck on change in them. Turns out they were monies owed to me from shares I had with the company I work for.

[Insert picture of someone looking really happy whilst looking at a bank statement, can't be arsed to google image it]

However even with this decent chunk of change at my disposal, I’m torn between spending it on myself or putting it towards my mortgage. It’s insane. I could go on a decent holiday and have a decent amount of spending money as well, and yet this other side of me is telling me that I really should just use it towards my mortgage. GAH!

It’s as if having a mortgage has turned me into some sort of sensible old man. FUCK! Where are the days that I’d scour ebay in the hunt for some awesome gaming related piece of tat that I could wear or display oh so proudly in my room of geek?

This feeling of growing up, scares me and I don’t like it one bit. Next think you know I’ll be have a warm cup of milk before bed! SHIT! I hate warm milk!

Right I’m off to search for Thundercats episodes on youtube (I’ll be fucked if I’m gonna buy the damn show on DVD) and try to relive my youth….

Wow, random act of kindness…..in London! Without it being some sort of trick that would have resulted in me loosing my wallet and possibly my anal virginity! Needless to this the whole thing put me in a good mood and made me want to pass on the kindness to someone else. Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day to say the least…..thank fuck pay day is soon.

Remember people, being kind isn’t a bad thing, it can start beautiful things, like good will to each other, or making someone’s day or even giving someone a subject to talk about on their hardly updated blog!

Friends are funny people (the real ones…well the show was aight as well I guess). There are shit loads of different types. Dumb, Smart, Hilarious, Weird, Sexy, Cute, Ugly, Interesting, Uninteresting, Poor, Rich, Able to make you look less fat/ugly cos they are super fat/ugly, I could go on but I’m starting to bore myself.

I’m gonna focus on 3 of them, because I’ll be fucked if I can be arsed to produce paragraphs of amusing comments about all the ones I just listed.

The Bestest Friend

Start off with the biggie I guess, the friend who you can chat to about anything, no limits, no taboos, just unrated chat, usually ending in mass lolage or prolonged cases of zero communication to reflect on how stupid/awesome/funny/awful the experience of conversation is. Usually just leads back to mass lolage. The friend who makes you lunch, and isn’t shit at cooking meaning you don’t have to lie and be like “Ohh yeah wow yeah this doesn’t taste like tar and anus at all! Yum!”. These are the kind of friends you probably won’t ever be able to fall out with, not that you should test this resolve by throwing poo at them just because they like to talk about it. I mean come on we’re not monkeys.

The Friend That Makes You Feel Smart!

Ahh one of my favourites! See of it wasn’t painfully obvious, I’m a huge nerd, as such a get a few friends ask me for help on general tech related issues. These friends are people I’d like to call, normal. You see the normal person wouldn’t know how to set up a Blackberry or if a certain App is available for their phone and if it is, how to get it. Me being such a nerd means they generally come to me for help. This usually works well for both parties, the friend gets their issue resolved and the nerd, feels awesome and smart, to be fair it’s all they got. It does annoy the shit out of me when I cannot resolve a problem though, unless I’m feeling ultra lazy, in which case I couldn’t give a shit.

The Friend That Reminds You, You’re not that Smart.

Before you assume I’m going to hate on this type of friend, think again. I actually enjoy having a friend like this, as it means I’m always on my toes when it comes to witty banter. I mean after a while there’s only so much enjoyment you can get out of trying to have a witty conversation with someone with the mental capacity of a foetus. This is the kind of friend who can make you converse with them till 3am in the fucking morning, making your morning self want to kick your last night self right in the balls. It takes a certain type of person to make you hate yourself to the point that you blame alternative time versions of yourself! That’s some sort of power! Still the enjoyment I get from, out smarting someone who is probably more intelligent than you, is an awesome feeling, especially if it’s a rare fucking occurrence.

OK so that was a look at 3 types of friends of mine, complete with a fancy picture for each. I think that’s enough for now, I need to get back to being a sad cunt with nothing to do on a Friday night.

Till next time, here’s a Panda rolling around:

Why the fuck do people feel the need to do this shit?

“Oh if I follow these directions in this chain mail whose origins are unknown, the thing that’s meant to happen, will happen!”

No! No it fucking well won’t.

“Oh noes I have to pass on this email to everyone otherwise they will start charging us to use facebook!”

No! No they fucking won’t you dim bulb! Why the fuck would a company that makes millions on adverts and shit jeopardise what they have by charging people to use their service?

“I’d never pay to use facebook!”

Yes you fucking would! Otherwise you’d be too scared that no one will know that you’ve joined the “lololz I liek 2 join shitty irrelevant groups innit” group.

“Oh noez I have to pass this email on otherwise I may die”

We can only hope that your internet connection goes down.

“Oh noez if I don’t pass on this email the ghost of a girl who didn’t pass on this email will appear”

So that’ll be 2 retards in the room then? Awesome, 1 more and you’ll have enough for an insane asylum.

Now email chain mail isn’t too bad because it usually comes from one person, however this is not the case if you own a Blackberry, for those of you who have yet to join the Blackberry bandwagon, the phones have an inbuilt IM client which is for Blackberry owners, basically think of it as msn but for Blackberry users. Now my contact list consists mainly of people who know each other. So when someone sends out a broadcast (like sending one message to x amount of contacts), it’s usually some crappy joke or shitty chain mail. Now receiving it once is not a major issue. It’s when every other person on my contact list sends it as well, that’s when shit gets annoying. And the worse thing is, all these people know each other and they know that I know them! SO WHY THE FUCK SEND IT TO THE SAME PEOPLE AGAIN???

Fucking age of communication, pain in the arse!

Peace out!

Harmless (well to a certain extent) stuff as you can see. However sometimes I go a little bit darker:

Random person: Yeah so she said that she didn’t like it when I call her chubsy wubbsy
Me: Yeah
Random person: Yeah I dunno what to do now, I mean, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of meat you know?
Me: hmmm
Me thinking to myself: I wonder what would happen if I punch him in the face? Like how would that pan out. What would they say? How would they react to it? What would I say?
Random person: Do you think she’ll notice if I put sugar in all her food?
Me: yeah that’s mad innit?

Or sometimes it’ll be:

Random person: So my girl found out about the sugar scheme to get her fat. She wasn’t pleased.
Me: Damn
Random person: Now she’s making me join her on her jogging sessions. Little does she know that I’ve filled her water bottles with pig fat
Me: Yeah
Random person: I wonder if she’ll notice.
Me thinking to myself: Hmmm if I were to spit at them right now, in the face. How the fuck would that develop? Could I play it off as a sneeze? Hmmmm, I could try it….should I try it? I dunno if I can pull it off…….”
Random person: Dude wanna go weight watchers and watch the fatties?
Man: I get it, you have a thing for fat women.

So yeah, there you have it. Just a small insight as to what goes on in my head. Sometimes. It reminded me of a stand up I saw where he was talking about walking over a bridge and constantly thinking “What would happen if I threw my keys into the river?” and how the thoughts got really intense, to the point where he came rather close to doing so.

So in conclusion, if you meet me, keep the conversation interesting……

Facebook, what an awesome site. Being able to stay in contact with said friends, commenting on pictures of yourself vomiting asking your friend to kinda remove the picture. Other friends laughing at you in the comments of said picture.

Facebook + Friends is seems is a wonderful thing. However there are times when it’s just bullshit.

This is pretty much the reason why:

Awesome.

There are cases of course where nothing can help and all that’s left is to sit back and watch the show.

Back in December a filum came out that took 10 years to make. Of course I’m chatting about Avatar. It was a decent movie, fucking awesome visuals, story was meh considering it had been done before. That’s my thoughts on the movie. Other people however…

James Cameron’s completely immersive spectacle “Avatar” may have been a little too real for some fans who say they have experienced depression and suicidal thoughts after seeing the film because they long to enjoy the beauty of the alien world Pandora.

Taken from a CNN article.

OK seriously what the fuck? I can imagine one or two people taking the movie way too serious and getting all depressed about it, but I’ve seen an entire FORUM decided to people with this issue. I swear not even Star Wars/Star Trek fans are this caught up.

“Ever since I went to see ‘Avatar’ I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na’vi made me want to be one of them. I can’t stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it,” Mike posted. “I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in ‘Avatar.’ “

Sure the damn movie looked awesome but why the fuck would you wanna live on that planet? Sure it looks great but what about all the cunting things that live there?

Look at this fucking thing! For fuck sake! If I saw that I’d just shit myself and lay down. It has a fucking barrier sticking out of its fucking head!

Don’t worry about pigeons shitting on your head, worry about THAT shitting on your head.

“Yeah check out my new ride it flies and oh shit sorry, it bit your face off….”

Oh great, some slick-looking leopard on crack and looks to roam around at night. Fuck worrying about the bed bugs biting.

Some people actually wanna be the Na’vi from the filum, which unless they like Basketball and enjoy being constantly skinny, is just shit. I mean they all look like fooking lanky rip off’s of Night Crawler of X-Men fame.

To be honest I think the world leaders should unite, create a Pandora type island, let anyone who wants to, be stained with blue ink and shit, and ship them out. Then take Vultures, Rhinos, Flamingos and Panthers, roid them up and send them to the Island too. I think society would be better without these people. The crazies get their Pandora, we get a few less nut jobs around, everyone’s happy!