Marriage? More like Mehrriage……

“So how you getting on at your new store?”
“Great, I love it”
“Any nice girlies there?”
“There are loads of nice girlies there”
“Any Indian ones?”
“Errr no”
“Oh, as long as you find a nice Indian one…”
“…”

Apart from the new store talk, this sort of talk is rather common for me. Being Indian and having parents that were brought up with a strict upbringing and me being the eldest child means that there’s a lot of emphasis on me getting hitched and shit. The only problem with that is that I don’t want to get married. See I’ve been single all my life (shock horror) and to be honest, I’m happy staying that way.

I’ve seen what being in a relationship can do to some people, and I can’t be arsed with any of it. The funny thing is that every single one of my friends who are in relationships has at one point had this convo with me:

Them: Dude why don’t you just get out there and find a girl
Me: Can’t be arsed.
Them: Don’t be gay (I assure you my friends aren’t secondary school students, they’re actually grown up).
Me: I can’t be fussed with all the hassle.
Them:….actually it can be hassle sometimes

Of course I understand that relationships aren’t just plain hassle, however the more I think about being in a relationship the more it bothers me. Having to worry about someone else, having to spend more time outside in the wild with them and not locked up in my room glued to my PC chair makes me think, “Fuck that!”.

Still, just think about the process of me having to find a girl though! It’s a cluster fuck of problems and road blocks. Let’s look at the issues shall we?

First of all, I’m a damn nerd!

(Click on the image to see a better version, damn my shitty WordPress skills)

As you can see I’m a ridiculous nerd, how exactly can I bring a girl into this sort of environment? “Yeah this is where all the magic happens………..ie when I cast spells and shit in Final Fantasy: VII…..wait come back, don’t run…ah damnit not again.”

Second reason, I’m fucking messy!

(Yeah it’s the same picture……that’s the joke….LAUGH!”)

Notice the can of Mr Sheen and Air Freshener on the right? Yeah that’s mainly for show. “So yeah this is my room ummm yeah basi- Oh shit you just threw up? Yeah sorry about that smell, I have no idea where it’s coming fr- Oh fuck you passed out..”

The 3rd and possibly most important reason however is ironically, being Indian.

Picture the scene, I’m in a bar and approach an Indian chick and we get to chatting:

Me: Hey, this place is pretty expensive right? I’m literally trying to make this one bottle last as long as possible.
Her: HAHAHAHAHA That’s super hilarious, you’re so funny.
Me: Well, I do try.
[So everything is going smooth so far, skip ahead into the evening]
Me: Oh so are you on Facebook, I’ll add you?
Her: Oh yeah, [Insert a name that doesn't belong to another Indian chick I know, cos I can't think of any right now] Patel.
Me: Oh hey Patel, that’s my surname……..as…well.
Her: Oh yeeeeah that’s ummm funny.

The End.

Seriously if I were to try to find a “Nice Indian Girl” I swear I’m gonna have to ask her for a DNA test to make sure that we’re not fucking related or something.

“So yeah if I could just get a blood sample, I’ll give you a call in about 2-3 weeks with the results”. Since when was finding a girl similar to getting a blood test for a fooking decease?

For those not in the know, Patel is like equivalent to Smith, any Patel Family Tree is gonna be a massive one:

“Hey but why don’t you just get an arranged Marriage?” is a question people ask me, the answer is that I don’t really want to be pimped out by my parents of all people to be honest.

So as you can see, remaining single is the best solution for me. Who knows, maybe I’ll meet that special someone who’ll change my mind but until [Insert hottest celebrity woman at time of reading] has a sudden fetish for hairy fat nerds who have a collection of none functional cleaning products on display in their room, I’m happy to remain single and less likely to mingle.

Tags: arranged, couple, crap, fail, fat, hairy, indian, magic, Marriage, nerd, patel, relationship, shit, single