Shit parents, the fuel for failure.

Since the dawn of time, parents have cared for, protected, spoilt, praised and loved their off spring.

Then a little thing, called modern times came along and shat all over that. Gone were the times when children would fear and respect their parents, were a quick raising of the back of a hand would result in instant fear and obedience.
If such a back hand was raised now a days it would probably be met with a fist to the chops.

How did all this happen? Whose to blame? Society? TV? Movies? Rap? Rock? Pokemanz?

Well the answer could be yes to each of those, depending on each individual case. One factor that contributes to the children of today being total shit monkeys are parents.

See I’ve noticed the way parents treat their children, not just at work but everywhere. What follows are examples of such:
Ignorance is Bitch:
The kind of parent who has fine tuned the art of ignoring a crying/whingeing child. Probably one of the worst kinds of parent around.
Many the time I’ve been at work with a packed store with people wanting to be served, shittying in store music blaring out the same tunes day in and day out, and to top it all off, a crying fucking child. For some reason the parent is busy looking around for a fucking phone to purchase, rather than tend to the crying needs of their spawn!
Customer’s would rather piss about choosing between a fucking £5 phone and a £10 phone, whilst their child battles with a dog or summat.

 

Be the best that I tell you to be:

The pushy parent that has planned out their child’s life before the fucker even had a chance to figure our where it’s arse is.
The kind of parent that expects only the best from their child, which to be fair, isn’t a lot to ask. However when they shit over any achievement that’s slightly less than perfect that’s when it gets a bit ridiculous.

 

See parents like this are even gonna toughen up their kids to the point where they turn into a cunt like their parents, OR their kid will turn into a hateful bastard and take it out on everyone. Maybe the terrorist’s of today had bastards for parents………………

Oh well at least your parents didn’t allow this:

Bringing you and awkward times together!!

Phones are an interesting invention, they help people communicate with each other all over the world and shit. They also cause untold amounts headache and social awkwardness.

Let’s delve into this because I have nothing else to do this evening.

I recently changed back one of my older phones because it had a better camera then my newer one, odd I know but meh. There were a lot of numbers on the new phone that were not saved on the sim, so when I went back to my old phone there were a few contacts that didn’t transfer over. This little issue didn’t really dawn on me until I got a text from someone who knew me. I was unable to guess who it was. “So what? Why just text back and ask?”, good question, here comes the shit answer, I basically replied back to it without asking who it was. Why I did this, I’ll never know. Needless to say they text back from time to time, and I never bothered to ask who they were. This is highly retarded as the longer you leave it, the more difficult it gets to ask them. What can you do? Text them back all of the sudden and be like “Excuse me, mystery person who I’ve been texting over the last month or two, but who are you?”.
It’s like when you meet someone and they get your name wrong and you don’t really notice it, after a while you’ve got someone calling you “Terry” when your name is “Abhimani Aponaptir Dvadasatman”.

There are also times when you use your phone to get out of awkward situations in life. For example, if you’re sitting around with a group of people who all know each other and you don’t. You could pull out your phone and pretend to be checking a text message or playing a game. This also works when you are left alone with someone who you don’t really know. For example if you meet up with a mate and their partner, and it’s just the two of you, there can sometimes be some awkwardness, some people can just have a conversation and be done with it. Others however cannot do this, which can lead to you saying something stupid like “Sooooo……you’re banging my mate……what’s that like?” You know you won’t be getting invited to many nights out with them again.

Anyway, that’s enough for now! Here’s a cat jacking yo mins!

Oh yeah I forgot I had a blog.

So a friend of mine reminded me that I had a blog. Cheers for that P, now I have to sit here and try and think of something amusing to write for the pleasure of all 3 of my readers out there.

I have an ambition in life to do some standy up comedy, this is mainly because my friends tell me that I’d be good at it. After a while you start to believe the hype that you actually are funny. Of course this could just be a trick to get me on stage so that they can all boo me and make me look like an idiot.
I always imagine what it would be like to deal with a heckler, at a show. Sometimes they can come out with some pretty wicked stuff that the comedian simply cannot come back from. If I were still a child I could just always reply with “Your Mum”. Somehow I don’t see how that would work when dealing with an adult though.

OK I’m really struggling to come up with something else to write now. I’m off work for a week and a half and therefore I’m in total lazy mode! This alone as taken me about 30 mins to write! Oh well. Till next time people.

And now for something completely different.

So as I was pissing about on Twitter, I saw that someone offered the chance to have a guest blog post on their blog. Being the whore that I am, I jumped at the chance, and it just so happens that my post was used, so enjoy it you swines!

http://joshuagoodwin.com/articles/pest

Be sure to check out this guy’s other posts, it’s basically just like mine, only better and not shite.

Oh and because I like to whore myself like a cheap whore who provides service for cheese, I also managed to get part of the above post on another blog as well! This time, it’s about a certain experience I had when purchasing a game once. This blog belongs to a nice fellow who loves games, and used to work in the industry too. Please check out he’s other stuff ! It’s only fair that I pimp he’s stuff like he did mine! GO!!!!!

http://xthemusic.wordpress.com/2009/07/20/bakaboys-experience-with-games/

Peace out!

Music Festival? More like More Failstival!

So I went to Glastonbury this year(3rd Glastonbury in a row for me! POW!) had a pretty fucking awesome time. Apart from getting a fucking tan! Brown people don’t need to get any more browner. We’ve got enough problems as it is, what with all the hair and stuff.

I met up with a mate for lunch who decided to tell me that I looked Sri Lankan, if it wasn’t for the fact that my mate was a girl, they could of got a clap round the ear’ole! Instead they got lunch….fuck.

Anyway enough of the drastic adventures of my skin. Back to the topic at hand.

Music festivals are generally pretty damn awesome, I base this on only attending two. Glastonbury and Wireless(which is more of a day out surrounded by Londoners). However, both have a very fatal flaw, each one has an abundant amount of idiot cock heads in attendance.

It’s always the ones that feel the need to get as pissed and high as possible to the point where they are an general annoyance to everyone around them that grind my gears. They just enjoy screaming at the top of their lungs to the point where your actual ears are crying or bleeding as it’s also known. They always seem to be the cunt standing besides you or behind you.
I really don’t understand what it is that they get out of it. Yesterday I was tempted to turn around and punch the guy doing this in the throat. That’s right, it was a guy! A girl wasn’t fucking stupid enough to start screaming at the top of her voice like the witch from Left 4 Dead would if someone had rammed a pineapple up her arse. However this guy did. One day when I no longer fear getting the shit kicked out of me, the next time someone does this, I’ll threaten to make them deep throat a cactus or something.

This leads to the next type of shit tit, to annoy me at a festival. The one who is always looking for a fight. Those are the turd burgers that feel the need to just barge past people in crowds, you know the one that will just aggressively push past you, so that they can get closer to the stage, they won’t even, ask to get past, they’ll just move you out of the way. It’s times like that, that make you wish you were in charge of the selection process that decides who gets to carry on using up oxygen on this earth.

Another type that annoys me, are those fuck tard groups of friends who are pricks no matter were they are. The kind that’ll seriously make you think twice before you go sleep in your tent, for fear of not waking up again.
I remember, we had a rather rambunctious group near our tent area at Glastonbury, this year. They decided to take random objects that they had purchased or probably stole and dump them in a massive heap, near there camp site. What next? Well they set it on fire of course. This pile had everything from, paper cups, plastic bottles, chairs, wood, someones soul oh and they also decided it would be fun to throw an aerosol can in it to. Now I don’t usually read stuff written on bottles but to be honest the sign that shows a big flame on it, would generally indicate that I should avoid having this can near any sort of extreme heat. Unfortunately this sign was lost in a sea of words that must of said “OMG THROW ME IN A FIRE, YOU’LL BE SO COOL AND PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU’RE SUPER COOL TOO!”. The coolness lasted for about 3 mins before a Steward arrived to give them a ear full. They all looked like idiot kids who got told off for throwing shit at each other in class, whilst a shitty substitute teacher from Australia tried woefully to calm them down, and the head teacher had to come and sort it out.
These are also the same cock mongrels that seem to thing that the guide lines on tents are there to be tripped on. Now, at night time, I can kinda forgive people for tripping on them, but in broad day light? Jesus man, how do these people cross the roads safely?

I feel I must end this soon, before the rage builds up and I cut off my Glastonbury wrist bands and shit on them, and then post them to Michael Eavis, but only after making sure the letter gets sent  via an alternative route via the entire world, as to bump up it’s carbon footprint!

The last bunch of waste of sperms I wanna talk about, are ones that were around in big numbers at the Wireless Festival on Sunday. It seems that when you go to a music festival and can’t deal with waiting for the main act to perform, the best thing to do, rather then have a chat with your mates, is to hurl bottles at people. Excellent fun eh? Even more so, when more people do it, and then the people who get hit, get pissed off and retaliate even though they don’t know who threw the damn thing to begin with. I mean a lot of beer got thrown around and some were full to the top, and whacked people full on in the face! I mean wtf is wrong with these people? Talk about a waste of alcohol! Those bottles were like £3.50 each! Why waste all that money? If you’re going to throw it, at least wait till it’s empty or something! I found it quite funny to be honest, seeing people with their heads down, like they were bracing for impact whilst pretended they were on a plane featured in Lost or something. Still it’s people who throw good booze away that annoy me! There are homeless people in the streets, who would do ungodly things to get a nice cold beer or cider if you’re a Grade F Tramp, and yet people in London were throwing it around like it was piss….which to be fair, most of it, probably was.

Anyway, that’s enough for now, here’s something:

“Excuse me, can you tell me where your parade is please? I’d like to evacuate my bowels over it”

So at work today I was serving a customer and thought I’d keep things lively and start up a little chit chat to help move along the transaction rather then it just being two grown men standing around awkwardly willing the transaction to come to an end.

It kinda went a little like this:

Me: How you doing today?
Customer: *sigh* I’m tired.
Me: Yeah me too, still got tomorrow off then I’m going Glastonbury!
Customer: Waste of money.
Me: O_o well it beats being here.
Customer: Nah, it’s a waste, there’s much better concerts that will be happening.
Me: …
Customer: Did you see that guy who owns the the land in the paper? His loving it, he’ll be raking it in.
Me: Well what do you expect?
Customer as he is leaving the store: Yeah well he won’t be loving it much longer….there will be better concerts.
Me: O_o

Now, what the fuck was all that about? Me and my mate had a good old chuckle about it but still. Talk about shitting on your parade.

I mean I try and make things a bit more lively with the transaction and decided to mention a brief piece of excitement that shall be presenting itself to me very soon, and this guy was probably like “Nah fuck that, fuck your happiness, now shut up and let me shit on you”.

I like how he didn’t even mention any of these concerts that would be better then an entire 3 day music festival. I mean what sort of concert could provide that amount of super awesomeness in one night? One that comes from the mind of a person who has obviously been wronged by Glastonbury!

I mean what exactly happened to this guy that drove him to barrage my happiness with such scornful hate?

I probably won’t be able to enjoy this festival now, as in the back of my mind will be the thought of “Better concerts” that shall be taking place. Ones that I haven’t heard of yet that will have massive magnitudes of “better” then my Glastonbury. Fuck sake! How can I enjoy such a shoddy festival now? When there will be people out there enjoying concerts that are better! The smug bastards! I bet they’ll all be there, sipping fine wine and eating caviar freshly shit out of the fish or something. Damn them!

Ah well guess I’ll just have to make do with Glastonbury for now!

Here’s a cat sleeping on some cheese:

How peculiar.

A lot of things in life often cause me to think a lot, that and copious amounts of head scratching which generally lead to extended periods of confusion and a bleeding cranium.

I could just ignore most of the these things, most normal people do. I clearly have issues and thus cannot help but take notice.

There was this one scene from Heroes that bothered me….Yes just the one scene.

It involved the Indian character who was in India, and he was talking with a friend of he’s. Nothing strange there no? Well when they were talking, they were talking in English! WTF? The funny part was that they spoke better English then people from England for fuck sake. Still when I saw this, I noticed that it happens a lot in other shows and movies. Could editors or directors not afford subtitles or something? They can afford to piss around the story to the point of utter confusion and crap, but they can’t afford some text at the bottom of the pissing screen!

Sticking with India, Call Centres. Yes a lot of them are based in India why? Because it’s cheaper then employing a bunch of patronising, blunt, hide behind your phone whilst treating people on the other end of the line like shit, battery farm chickens from the UK.
Still I guess the people in the Indian call centres aren’t any better, I mean they tend to LIE TO YOUR FACE! Example?

Phone call to a company whose call centre is in India:

Them: Thank you for calling *Insert pretty much all companies in the UK apart from those that have their heads shoved far up their own arses that they mention that their call centres are UK based just to reasure all the racists in the country….i kid :p* My name is Mark, how can I help?
Me: Fuck right off!

Mark? Mark? What the bloody hell? I’ve been going India since I was two, I’ve experienced a lot of stuff in India and met a lot of people. I have never met anyone in India called Mark. It doesn’t end there though, there’s also “Steve”, “Mary” and so on, however you’ll get one who is proud of their name, they’ll be the rebel that all the guys wanna be and all the girls wanna have, he don’t give a shit about pleasing the English with their Mash Potatoes and Fish and Chips, he’s brown and proud, his Abhimani Aponaptir Dvadasatman!

Another thing that I’ve noticed, well not so much noticed, but something that I literally cannot over look is people who wear fucking sandels and socks! WTF is the point? It’s either shoes or sandels. You don’t fucking need socks to go with the sandels, what the shit could you possibily be gaining from wearing such a unholy combination?

Of course there are rare exceptions:

Right that’s enough, if I continue I fear I may literally have a fit of rage and punch a dog or something.

Speaking of annoying things, here’s how Xzibit reacted when he found out who was to present the UK Pimp My Ride:

How to mis-advice the masses and potentially wipe them all out

I thought it would be time to join the bandwagon of people who have something to say about this whole Swine Flu madness that seems to have gripped the world in it’s evil hoof like clutches.

It seems that we may be wiped out by this flu, unless the boffins can come up some sort of vaccine of some sort. Till then I guess we can just rely on ignorantly avoiding pork and farmers. Oh and wearing spiffy little masks. How long do you think it’ll be before we see some major clothing labels getting in on the mask hype?

I’d imagine there are a small group of people who can find a silver lining on this oh so ominous cloud and do a little gloating:

Still it’s not all major clothing labels who mass produce shit made by a child in a poor country for 3 grains of rice an hour, or smug Muslims. The NHS is also getting involved as well, of course. How? By printing a leaflet that is designed to get us all clued up on Swine Flu with tips on how to avoid it and shit. Looking at the front of it though, they don’t seem to have got off to a good start:

Now this leaflet is meant to educate the less clued up people(ie people without the Internet or TV or a Life) of this country. It doesn’t do a good job of it, considering it shows a man with an inability to cover he’s mouth whilst sneezing. Seriously look at it! What the hell is wrong with him? He’s spraying all over the bloody place.
Simpletons will look at this and get bored/confused just by the website printed on the front and just use the picture as reference! We’re all doomed!

On that note, here’s a funny picture that’s linked to the subject above:

BTW I’d like to thank my mate Dave(we all have a mate called Dave right?) as you can see from the above pictures, they are all pretty much basic edits and nothing special, apart from the Adidas one, which he managed to help me out with….I did the side text though!
He is also in the blogging game, so please check it out so that he plugs my site too! http://martialloh.blogspot.com/

hmmmm I wonder if wordpress will mind that I’m linking to another blog site?

I’m your bestest friend ever!

Don’t you ever hate it when you’ve gone past a certain point and you can’t really go back?

Like when you ask someone “So what’s new with you?” Only to remember that the person you asked, is fucking boring, and that the only reason you’re asking them that is because you haven’t spoken to them in a long time……because they are fucking boring?

Another example could be when your mid conversation with someone and then you remember that you have something much more important to be doing, like not talking to them. However they just continue to ramble the shit on, and all you can think about is that other important thing that you have to be doing! It gets to the point where you’ve completely lost track of the conversation and your straining not to yawn in their face, and can only respond with “Hmmmm”, “Yeah”, “Yeah?”, “Damn man” and my personal favourite “That’s fucked up” it’s only after that you realise that the person was talking about their child being a in a school play.

My favourite one however is when a mate has been eating or is eating, and you’re talking to them only to notice that part of their grub is on their face! Sometimes I want to tell them straight away but they are so into their part of the conversation that you half lose track of the conversation and half notice the grab on face. So you’re kinda stuck in limbo so to speak.
When it reaches the minute mark you kinda know you can’t say shit about it, because they will be like “Wait a fuck, why are you telling me know?”. So you leave it. However the conversation is still going on and they haven’t used a fucking napkin yet.
5 minutes have passed now and it’s getting a bit sick, like literally, because now all you can notice is the shit on their face and you’re thinking “Jesus, I hope no one else joins us”. Why? Because what if they point out the food on the face? Then Food Face will be like “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me? Would you of let me leave this place with shit all over my face for the public to see?” You can’t really defend yourself at this point.
If no one joins you and it’s now the 10 minute mark, you’ve kinda dug your own grave and there isn’t much you can do. Just pray it’s raining heavily outside and that some sort of random event is occurring in the sky that will make Food Face look up.

That’s enough for today, here’s a friendly bug.

Witty title about content of post.

So when I’m hungry at work and I want some breakfast me and my fellow work mates usually go to Greggs. Usually I get a crusty cheese roll. Simple yet fulfilling. However I noticed they added a new sandwich to their already glorious selection.

Yep looks delicious right? Also those ingredients look a bit familiar do they not? They pretty much make up the ingredients of coleslaw! WTF? Minus the cabbage anyway. Still a Cheese and Coleslaw sandwich would be epic!

I got one of the guys at work to go in and ask for a Cheese and Coleslaw sandwich and apparently the member of staff looked baffed and according to him, a bit scared. Hmm.

I had an idea though, all the staff from my store go in and ask for a Cheese and Coleslaw sandwich. We’ll keep this up, until the Greggs people get fed up and maybe feed back our requests to Head Office, who then decide to pull the Cheese Savoury sandwich in favour of a new Cheese and Coleslaw sandwich. Then we all go in and and say “Hey! What happened to the Cheese Savoury Sandwiches? They were wicked!”. I came up with these genius and pointless idea whilst at work. I technically got paid to think that up. It’s like I have a secret extension to my current job title, “Assistant Manager, and head of idiot ideas“. Hmmm I may need to seek some sort of pay rise.

My local Sainsbury’s recently installed a crap load of Self-Service Checkouts. I love these things so damn much. It makes things so damn simple and I don’t have to spend ages queueing. “Wait a minute mate! If they are so awesome, won’t they be so popular that you’d have to wait a while before you can use it?”. No not at all you silly poop! You see the thing about these Self-Service Checkouts, is that most people are too scared to use them. The amount of times I’ve see staff trying to direct customers towards these wonder machines only for the customer to take one look at them and turn away and head for the nearest human attached to a till, at such a pace that you’d think the Self-Service Checkouts killed their fathers and rapped their mothers whilst shitting on them! Either that or they just see it as being some sort of complex system that will shit on their children if they do something wrong.

I think it’s fear of getting wallet fucked if you do something wrong on these machines, that scare people. However it could be that some people prefer mumbling incoherent bullshit to the checkout people about their lives, because on one else will.

Hmmm two posts in two days eh? Something can’t be right there. Commence lazy mode!

Here’s a bunny with a pancake on it’s head: